Whispers She Never Spoke.

Hi guys <3 (assuming someone is reading this) I am Sam. And as my Blog name you would guess..yes i will be trauma dumping. 

Through this blog, i will try to showcase my emotions as there are not much people i can share it with. ☺ Are 20s supposed to be like this? Alone but surrounded by people, everything but nothing, happiness in exchange of stressful decisions. 

Here's to writing down all my life..

23/06/25

I am 22 now, and more than ever emotionally distressed. I am grumpy and emotional. i want reassurance and admiration but i dont let people enter my life. i would say academically i have progressed to be in a very satisfied position as i finished my Diploma in IT with distinction and now pursuing Honors Degree at the same university. Even though i have offer letters from prestigious universities in London and Australia. Its a whole another different deep dive.

I yearn affection. Gossiping, sitting the coffee shops and talking about anything yet everything. But decline calls or hangouts from my friends. Is it an underling cause from a hidden mental illness or i am just too introverted? We will never know. My current best friend is my mother. Shocking right? not really. I am on semester break and back in my home country with my family(s). Its been something...i dont know to word it. But boy, did i miss my best friend.. my mom.

Since my parents’ divorce when I was 12, I’ve carried a quiet fear of being abandoned or forgotten. My father, though around, was never truly there, his emotional distance felt louder than any argument. I learned to bottle up how I felt, to not expect warmth, and over time, I started to doubt my own worth. That’s why I crave reassurance—not out of weakness, but because I grew up without it. I need to hear that I matter and being and ONLY child from their failed marriage i always felt out of place. Unconditional love? cared for without begging for it? I have rarely had those. Couples break up and patch up but their offsprings dont have that luxury. When with my mother i miss my father..when with my father i miss my dearest mum. Pretty common situation i assume? But it has emotionally wounded beyond repair. I’ve never seen what a happy, loving family truly looks like, not in my home, not growing up, not even now. Love in my world often came with tension, silence, or obligation, not warmth or safety. Watching others speak fondly of family dinners, open conversations, or gentle parents feels foreign—like something out of a movie I was never cast in. It’s strange how something so basic to others can feel like a fantasy to me. I’ve learned to survive without it, but deep down, a part of me still aches for what I never had. ~ I must add, i am truly grateful to my parents for all the stuff have done and still doing for me. 

I used to be my father's..my papa's little girl. He used to be my hero my idol, he couldn't do anything wrong in my eyes. When he went to his office trips out of country, i was around 5/6 years old and would CRY my eyes out wearing his oversized t-shirts. Oh, those sweet unmindful days. As of today, i still love him to bits i miss him everyday as i live most my days with my mother or else abroad. And him? i doubt he thinks of me once a day. He has a new family, a child a wife..the whole nine yards. I am his firstborn child, didn't make any difference once things started to shift a little. He stopped searching for me, calling me or remember the things i love. And yes, he provides for me my education and my needs, i am grateful. I don't remember the last time he mentioned any of our fond memories or looked at me with admiration. I might be wrong (i really hope so), he sees me as his adult child that he has to take financial responsibility. Must be tough for him to provide for his new family..and a daughter he unfortunately has. It is said by many that the eldest daughter is a reflection of their father. People around me do tell me some of my mannerisms do reassemble him. As he is a successful software engineer my peers often end up comparing me to him, i will not lie..it gives me pride. He is has truly done everything, started from the bottom to reaching the top of the career ladder. I am proud to be his daughter even though i am sure he does not feel the pride in me. 

My mother is a fearless, selfless and the purest woman. Not just saying cause she is my mother. She has achieved and done so much alone its truly amazing. I aspire to be like her in my life and give her so much more than she had to sacrifice for me. She was 19 years old when she got married to my father, he was ten years older. My mother had her whole life ahead of her..dreams, hopes and desires. Not to mention, oh so beautiful she is, to visualise a slight reassemble to Princess Diana. She never wanted much..maybe that was a problem. She imagined a happy family with full of love. At the tender age of 21 she had me, i guess now you can get why we are besties. Unfortunately, my father was not a responsible partner to her. At her young age she had to face struggles that she was never prepared herself for and a very small baby to take care of. As of now she has remarried, 3 years after my father did. I pushed her to find love again and i am glad i did. She deserves the world and more. Every school functions or any academic events my mother was the only parent who showed up. Until i reached 15 years old she never let me know my father's scarring flaws, she let me continue my imaginary "happy family". Quite the trickster am i right? The more you know the more traumatise you get, i guess and it has not stopped yet. Till this date, all she does is keep me secure and raise me to be confident. After all the injustice and hurt she received from my father's actions she tried her very best i never get affected from it. But life begins, the adult brain has its ways to get to the root and she could no longer shield me from the bad. Nevertheless, i have so much to thank her for and a lot more to apologise for as well. 

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